I am Sportacus, here me bore!

5 Feb

I am a man.

I have a penis and everything.

I enjoy drinking fermented vegetable products by the pint.

I hate sport…WHAT THE WHAT?!

Since childhood I have never been interested in sport or sporting activities.  I never collected football stickers or wanted to be the next George Best/David Beckham, not that I had any of the required skills mind.  As a child and teenager I was always more interested in pursuing a path in the arts, and by arts I mean a Spectrum 128K, Sega Mega Drive and Playstation.  I read lots, I played lots of computer games, and I led an incredibly wholesome life running around woods and making bonfires.  I just didn’t get the sport thing, it was an anathema to me.  I guess another reason for my disdain of sport could be attributed to me being a rather sickly young chap and my parents having no interest in it, but it is not so much the act of competing in sport that irks me on a base level, it is the associated nonsense and posturing that comes with it.

A good (depressing) example of this is during an ill advised attempt to fit in with the boys at high school I decided I was going to pledge my allegiance to a football team.  My reasoning was: they all loved football, they all liked each other; I hated football and they didn’t like me, change the variable of football and they will all love me, simple maths surely?  Not so much.   Picture the scene, it’s a crisp winter Monday morning, I am thirteen years of age and filled with all the normal crippling paranoia and doubt that accompanies that number.  I approach school, breath billowing in front of me as I purposefully strut to the beat of my heart,  ears numb to the cold, but with a fresh sense of hope owed to the new football scarf wrapped proudly around my neck and the footballer facts in my head!  I clear the gates with no problems, stroll past a group of X-Banders (the bad band) who shoot me a confused glare, I assume it is due to my new heroic sport fan status so unperturbed I continue to my form room.  *At this juncture may I say that I grew up and attended school in a village in Merseyside*  I burst through the door to my form room like a Greek God and awaited the adulation…  This is what followed:

“Hahahahaha, look at Ben…what the fuck are you wearing a Newcastle United scarf for you prick?!  You  don’t even like football… Look *points at me and shouts to the other sport mammals* hahaha dick head!”

Well, that was certainly a disappointing response.  What did I expect though?!  Firstly, what on earth possessed me to choose Newcastle as my “team” when everyone supported Liverpool or Everton?  I think my reasoning was that I didn’t want to have to choose reds or blues as that was all they ever argued about, but NEWCASTLE?!  Suffice to say the whole football fan reinvention didn’t last long, I brassed it out for a week or so, talking about Alan Shearer and calling them Magpies, but eventually I gave up safe in the knowledge that sport is and always was for TWATS.

So as you can see the incident hasn’t at all informed my opinion of sport whatsoever.  To be fair, I say I hate all sports but I do love to run.  I also like to compete in organised races, however this is a post for another time.

It is soccer that really gets me,  I genuinely and actively hate it.  It is such a grotesque machine of idiocy followed by statistic quoting socially inept sycophants that it angers me to my very pompous core.  I can’t function around this stereotypical football loving male, I seem like a small slug trying to talk about flowers and Care Bears when in the midst of all this statistically aggressive one-upmanship.  I always saw it as a distinct disadvantage through high school and sixth form, but whilst at University I had an epiphany… socially inept sportos are idiots who can be ignored for people of substance.  I found that being around like minded people who had made a choice to leave their town meant I could choose to alienate that section of society for a world of conversation and intellectual banter (Well talking at length about comedy and laughing at farts, but still, it’s better than 4-4-3, huh right lads?!).  No longer did I need to be around expensive nylon clan thugs who enjoyed nothing more than shouting incoherent gibberish at a TV in public whilst ignoring their girlfriends.  Since then I have never once looked back.

N.B.  Just in case you were wondering, I also don’t support England when they play in anything, I actively wish for them to go out as soon as possible so I can enjoy my country once more.

I think that this is enough for now.  The chap below illustrates this point better than I could ever express  –

Finally, snooker.  I hate that too, but it does remind me of my dead Grandma, so cheers for that reader!

7 Responses to “I am Sportacus, here me bore!”

  1. ianos83 February 5, 2011 at 9:16 pm #

    I like football ha ha ha ha. I just don’t like watching it in pubs, so you escaped that aspect during uni.

  2. John Rogers February 5, 2011 at 9:20 pm #

    Were you being a smarty arse with “better than 4-4-3, huh right lads?!” then?

    • dirtybadger February 5, 2011 at 9:27 pm #

      I was being a smart bottom, I know it’s all about the diamond formation these days.

  3. P-Harr February 6, 2011 at 10:55 am #

    Hey, I like football! I only like it when it’s good though, otherwise I just get bored and wander off.
    That’s why people watch it in the pub, so they can fill the vast expanses of the match that are just stupid men ineptly kicking a ball with more exciting things like drinking beer and talking.

    • dirtybadger February 6, 2011 at 12:47 pm #

      Still the principle is the same, just lots of men shouting at other men, shouting at other men, ad infinitum!

  4. beatifnik February 6, 2011 at 1:46 pm #

    Great points, well made. I could never understand why people got so worked up about something so trivial. I remember once suggesting to someone that he should change the team he supported if he was sick of them losing all the time. He didn’t speak to me for a week. Football is rubbish.

  5. smellmycheese February 7, 2011 at 10:54 am #

    Brilliant. Laughed out loud at several points and couldn’t agree more.
    Just yesterday a friend’s Facebook status annoucing “we are LIVERPOOL!!” after some soccer ball game made me feel sad inside. He’s from Northampton.
    I think this bit is my fave:
    ” It is such a grotesque machine of idiocy followed by statistic quoting socially inept sycophants that it angers me to my very pompous core”.
    Yes, me too.

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